Archive for April, 2007

30
Apr
07

Hi Ho Hi Ho Its Off to Work We Go

Not only do you have to be concerned about your weight and getting healthy, now you have to be concerned about your job and getting fired; with a touch of emphasis for Black Americans.

Article after the jump…Study says obese workers costing employers [CNN.com]

27
Apr
07

Fat = Moody = Irritable = Bitchy

I read an interesting article today about how low carbohydrate diets are causing people to become irritable, moody and just plain bitchy. I have found that most fat people, myself included are so miserable that being bitchy, moody and irritable (although we don’t want to be) is a way of life. However, I do believe that food can and does affect how we feel. I also believe that if a low carb diet is helping you lose weight and a side effect of that is bitchiness, so be it. The more pounds I lose, the less bitchy I’ll be.

Article after the jump…Low-Carb State of Mind [MSN.com]

26
Apr
07

Blood Diamonds

I watched Blood Diamond last night (good performances by everyone btw) and it made me want to vomit. Of course some things in the film were dramatized for cinematic purposes, but I venture to say not by much.

A few things struck me while watching the film. One character kept saying “T.I.A.” (This Is Africa), like everything that happens on that continent is par for the course. As if the people who live there will never really get to experience the beauty and majesty that is Africa. Like there will always be interlopers and corrupt leaders to take advantage of the resources and the people. They will never live in peace.

It made my quest to lose weight feel so unimportant and almost vain. It’s unfortunate, but most Americans really don’t know how blessed we are in this country. It amazes me how we can be so loving in one breath and pompous and superior in the next when it comes to Africa or any other nation. We talk such a good game in this country, but we are really full of shit, all of us, black, white, brown, yellow, and green. Everyone is wearing the biggest assed diamonds they can afford (or not afford) and don’t bother to think about where they came from because then we couldn’t use the, “I Didn’t Know” excuse. We couldn’t then excuse our GREED. Gordon Gekko of Wall Street fame said, “That greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. Greed is Good.” NO IT’S NOT, and once we realize that and get our grubby little hands clean, I think we will all find some peace.

Believe me, I am not trying to stand on a soap box because I have 4 diamonds in my ears right now and I have no idea where they came from; but I want to do something. I don’t know what but I want to do something. Our world is simply breaking my heart and I am beginning to feel hopeless. I am just so sad and want to scream all the time and I do. Everytime I put that extra bite in my mouth, everytime I walk past the free gym that is available to me, everytime I lay in my bed eating instead of going for a walk, I am screaming. I think a lot of us are screaming because we don’t know what else to do, feel or say. We’re living in a time of great fear and everyday there is something new, real or imagined to fear.

Or maybe it’s just me.

24
Apr
07

I’m just a reject

Gosh, rejection is everywhere. I just got rejected by BlogHer to be listed on their site. I completely understand the rejection, but damn it was totally unexpected. As it turns out, I don’t post enough on my blog yet to get a spot in their directory. Maybe I’m not ready to post a blog everyday or willing to share that much of myself with the world yet. Rejection is a bitch; I am a little upset, not at BlogHer, but at BlogHer. I am woman, and I want you to hear me roar even if its just a little at a time. What’s wrong with that?

23
Apr
07

Being Insignificant

Sometimes I feel I can just let go and truly be free; I can soar above it all and be happy.  Most of the time I feel so out of control and I become a slave to food. It doesn’t matter that my stomach looks and feels as if it’s going to explode. It doesn’t matter that I’m afraid that any minute I am going to have a heart attack. It doesn’t matter that I am scarred to death of getting fatter. It doesn’t matter that “I am” getting fatter. Sometimes I just can’t stop myself, most of the time I just can’t get enough, I can’t feel enough, I can’t scream enough, I can’t cry enough, I can’t love enough; why is that? What happened to me along the way that made me think I wasn’t good enough. There are so many little insignificant things that happened to me but now I see they discouraged me in ways I can’t begin to explain, but I’ll try.

  1. Being in grade school and having a part in the school play. It was Oliver Twist the musical. I was so excited; we learned new dances, new longs and even though I was just a part of the chorus, I felt so special. I remember being in class one day and all of the kids were sitting on the floor, the teacher was speaking to us (I don’t know what about) but that day I didn’t have a smile on my face and for some reason I couldn’t fake it. I don’t know if I was being defiant or what, but I remember the teacher telling me that if I couldn’t smile that I needed to get to the back. I stood up and walked to the back and that was that. I think this incident may have chipped away at my self esteem and I didn’t even know it.
  2. Having to lie about being spanked as a child played with my psyche.
  3. I was always a good speller. Once while playing with my cousins, we had a spelling contest to see who could spell words, etc. I hadn’t learned how to spell “Electric” yet and another kid spelled it first. I felt as if my cousins were so happy that I didn’t spell the word first. They were very vocal about it. I keep thinking I must have been a show-off in their eyes. There was always a little fakeness going on.
  4. My fingernails have always grown long. As a child I was made to feel bad because I didn’t have to  wear the false nails that my cousins were wearing.
  5. My mom’s boyfriend had a daughterLana (name changed) who I fell in love with instantly. We went to his cabin for a weekend as a “family.” I remember watching Olga Corbett and her famous balance beam routine. I remember Lana acting as if she liked me so much. Well, that night while we were in bed together, she punched me in my chest so hard, I think I had an asthma attack. Lana claimed she was sleeping and it happened by mistake, but there was no mistake in that blow. She really wanted to hurt me. She apologized years later; I just realized that I have never forgiven Lana.
  6. Not being sexually abused or molested, but being seen and treated like a sex object.
  7. Not really belonging anywhere.
  8. Not being able to trust anyone enough to show them the real “ME” because whenever I let my guard down, someone proves untrustworthy.
  9. Not being liked because my mother dressed me well and I spoke “White.” Actually having to fight twice because I carried myself with dignity and respect.
  10. Never being able to be totally vulnerable with anyone; never showing weakness; never really needing anyone. Not being able to believe in men.

All of these things collectively have helped to shape the person that I have become. Some things are good, and some are bad. But one thing that I do realize is that my self esteem has been crushed; I don’t feel worthy of living my best life. I don’t think I deserve to live my best life. Isn’t that a sad thing and right now, my self esteem is tied into my weight which is oppressive at the moment.

I need to find a way to connect to my innerself, to my spirit, to my higher power, to my God. I need to find a way to quite the noise and find my inner peace. I need to find a way to SHUT UP AND GET HAPPY.