23
Apr
07

Being Insignificant

Sometimes I feel I can just let go and truly be free; I can soar above it all and be happy.  Most of the time I feel so out of control and I become a slave to food. It doesn’t matter that my stomach looks and feels as if it’s going to explode. It doesn’t matter that I’m afraid that any minute I am going to have a heart attack. It doesn’t matter that I am scarred to death of getting fatter. It doesn’t matter that “I am” getting fatter. Sometimes I just can’t stop myself, most of the time I just can’t get enough, I can’t feel enough, I can’t scream enough, I can’t cry enough, I can’t love enough; why is that? What happened to me along the way that made me think I wasn’t good enough. There are so many little insignificant things that happened to me but now I see they discouraged me in ways I can’t begin to explain, but I’ll try.

  1. Being in grade school and having a part in the school play. It was Oliver Twist the musical. I was so excited; we learned new dances, new longs and even though I was just a part of the chorus, I felt so special. I remember being in class one day and all of the kids were sitting on the floor, the teacher was speaking to us (I don’t know what about) but that day I didn’t have a smile on my face and for some reason I couldn’t fake it. I don’t know if I was being defiant or what, but I remember the teacher telling me that if I couldn’t smile that I needed to get to the back. I stood up and walked to the back and that was that. I think this incident may have chipped away at my self esteem and I didn’t even know it.
  2. Having to lie about being spanked as a child played with my psyche.
  3. I was always a good speller. Once while playing with my cousins, we had a spelling contest to see who could spell words, etc. I hadn’t learned how to spell “Electric” yet and another kid spelled it first. I felt as if my cousins were so happy that I didn’t spell the word first. They were very vocal about it. I keep thinking I must have been a show-off in their eyes. There was always a little fakeness going on.
  4. My fingernails have always grown long. As a child I was made to feel bad because I didn’t have to  wear the false nails that my cousins were wearing.
  5. My mom’s boyfriend had a daughterLana (name changed) who I fell in love with instantly. We went to his cabin for a weekend as a “family.” I remember watching Olga Corbett and her famous balance beam routine. I remember Lana acting as if she liked me so much. Well, that night while we were in bed together, she punched me in my chest so hard, I think I had an asthma attack. Lana claimed she was sleeping and it happened by mistake, but there was no mistake in that blow. She really wanted to hurt me. She apologized years later; I just realized that I have never forgiven Lana.
  6. Not being sexually abused or molested, but being seen and treated like a sex object.
  7. Not really belonging anywhere.
  8. Not being able to trust anyone enough to show them the real “ME” because whenever I let my guard down, someone proves untrustworthy.
  9. Not being liked because my mother dressed me well and I spoke “White.” Actually having to fight twice because I carried myself with dignity and respect.
  10. Never being able to be totally vulnerable with anyone; never showing weakness; never really needing anyone. Not being able to believe in men.

All of these things collectively have helped to shape the person that I have become. Some things are good, and some are bad. But one thing that I do realize is that my self esteem has been crushed; I don’t feel worthy of living my best life. I don’t think I deserve to live my best life. Isn’t that a sad thing and right now, my self esteem is tied into my weight which is oppressive at the moment.

I need to find a way to connect to my innerself, to my spirit, to my higher power, to my God. I need to find a way to quite the noise and find my inner peace. I need to find a way to SHUT UP AND GET HAPPY.

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