Self-Esteem, Inferiority & Fat

So far this year, I have been exploring my inner being and who I really am, or at least who I think I am and how my fat plays a part in that. I am trying to figure out where my hunger, greed and need for more started and how my ego is a part of those needs. I am trying to figure out how my ego feeds my need to never feel inferior to anyone, but my ego relishes my ability to feel superior when it’s necessary to save myself from my perceived notion of inferiority. 

I know this all sounds like this woman maybe sliding off the roof or something, but I want to truly understand why I got fat in the first place so that I never have to worry about this again. The statistics for regaining weight are very high and I don’t want to be a part of that statistic.

I always thought I had a healthy self esteem and I am finding out that maybe it wasn’t so healthy, but was a mask for feelings of inferiority. My mask was my way of getting through this life relatively unscathed by life’s harsher dimensions and eating and getting fat helped me hide because when you’re fat you become mostly invisible to the rest of the world.

I won’t say here, but I believe I know the exact series of events that helped me lose the inherent confidence I had as a child. It’s unfortunate that we don’t recognize the point at which we help to change the human being a child was to become and instead of appreciating children for who they are we want to make them who we think they should be. Once the process has begun the rest of the world recognizes the child’s vulnerability and pounces on it.

Now I am left to clean up this mess and it is turning out to be quite a clean up job. Learning to really be responsible for who you are, what you feel and how you react to the world is hard, but extremely liberating. I am freeing myself from the wounds, real or perceived that I have been carrying around and covering up with food for many many years.

I am still a Non-Smoker 🙂

As always, be well

CF

“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu

www.chaoticfat.com

Looking In The Mirror

I have been decluttering my bedroom by rearranging some furniture and I have a vanity w/mirror that was previously in a position where I couldn’t see my torso. The other day I was walking to the bathroom and just happened to catch a glimpse of myself in that mirror in it’s new location. I haven’t really looked at my body in a long time; I had forgotten how I used to love it and that little glimpse led to me taking my clothes off and really looking at every nook and cranny of my body; I even caught a glimpse of my soul. I surprised myself with feelings of love and a bit of admiration; I don’t hate my body at all, I sincerely love every bulge and fold, every dimple and stretch mark. I recommend that everyone go to the mirror and take a long hard look; you might be surprised by what you find.

I’m still a non-smoker, I can actually take in a full strong breath now…yea me!

Be well, CF 

  

“Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, kindness in feeling creates love.” — Lao Tzu

www.chaoticfat.com